Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
