Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Randomize
