Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
