Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
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