yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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