every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
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