your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
