FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
