Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
