i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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