i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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