all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
i used baking grease as lip gloss
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
