Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
