i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
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