the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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