TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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