Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Randomize
