I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
