Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
