she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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