filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
