Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
