i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
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