the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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