just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
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