Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
