nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
