you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
