Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
She bit a glass in half.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
