Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Randomize
