so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
