He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
