i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
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