this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
