At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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