Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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