He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Randomize
