My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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