Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Randomize
