Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
