i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Randomize
