My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
