There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Randomize
