Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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