We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Randomize
