I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
