Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Randomize
