Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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