You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
