I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
