I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
